Tomorrow is Ava’s 5th birthday. Five years ago she was born on Mother’s Day Sunday, smack dab on her due date. She was not planned or expected, but God knew. This time of year, around Ava’s birthday and Mother’s Day, I start thinking about God’s order. It was six years ago, on Mother’s Day weekend, that there was another little one born… way, way, way too early. So early, I guess it’s not really considered a birth but a loss. But it was still a life. None of our little lifes have really been “planned”. That first one REALLY wasn’t planned and that Mother’s Day Sunday I sat in church and wept during a special video for moms. There was a sadness because I knew a life had just been lost… life had been in me! But there was relief as well, because at the time I wasn’t able to see how that life could enhance mine.
Then one year later, almost to the DAY that the first one was lost, Ava was born. And then two years later, almost to the DAY that the first should have been born, Oakley was born. What kind of coincidence is that?!?!? Probably not really a coincidence at all. I don’t think it is anyway, because our God is a God of order.
I wrote about this on Caringbridge a few weeks ago… As life continues to happen, I see that order more and more. I don’t know if there is theological backing for this theory or not, but I see it play out in my life none-the-less. In the birth of my children, in the two years of fighting Ava’s brain tumor.. I see order. God said it would be a hard year and it sure was. At the end of that year I asked when her tumor would be gone… and I’m pretty sure God said one year, which I balked at because really? One year? I’d already heard about a year, could God really be so… I don’t know… predictable? I thought not and figured it was just my hopes. I kept that word in the back of my mind anyway because, really, the only way to know is to live it out I guess. And one year later, her tumor is… well, I guess gone. It’s hard for me to really believe because there is still something there, but it doesn’t highlight like a tumor so maybe it’s not a tumor. Time will tell. But is sure a heck isn’t what it was before.
There is a little guy squirming in my lap right now, watching my face very intently as I type this. We were told he was coming, somewhat unconventionally, but told none-the-less. And here he is. Born two years and three weeks from the day his pending arrival was announced via a two year old little girl. Sometimes I look at Obed and can’t believe he is here… where did this kid come from?!?! He was not really in “the plan”. But God knew.
God knew about all of my littles, even the first one that was lost. As the years have gone by, I think about that first one more… maybe because I now have three littles and I see how they make life good. I can imagine more what the first one would have looked like… probably with the same eyes that the other three have, probably with the same cheek structure that the other three have, probably with the same chin that the other three have. There is more sadness now than there was six years ago, because I know now what was lost. But I don’t have much room in my heart for more sadness, so I don’t think on it often; and had the first lived, what is now wouldn’t be and that must be good.
So this time of year brings about memories and wonder and I remember how God has ordered our life… and I must believe that it is good.